TRUTH BE TOLD…
I have spent years preaching about how important it is to be alone, yet I have struggled so much with solitude. I constantly search for company to fill voids which has brought many of my insecurities to light. My inability to be alone has led me to jumping into several romantic relationships at a very young age. I fell in what I thought was love with men and became emotionally dependent time and time again. I couldn’t handle my overbearing emotions and therefore, I needed to know that someone was there to catch me if I fell. This caused me to date older men, in hopes to find a father figure. I stayed in relationships longer than I should have because I was comfortable. I thought I loved myself but I dated men that took care of me because I could not take care of myself. I lived in fear, dependency and distorted happiness.
It’s safe to say that I am a completely different woman now. Although I have come a very long way, I still have a lot of healing work to do. Being alone for a long period of time scares me. Some days, when no one is available to spend time with me, I experience deep feelings of neglect. I feel as though I am not loved, which is just absolutely ridiculous because I know that I am loved but something deep within me says otherwise. It was these very emotions of abandonment that led me to write this blog post.
CHILDHOOD TRUAMA IS REAL
From my understanding, this all started when I was a young girl. The day my dad packed his bags and left my mom. It was as though our entire home fell apart… Don’t get me wrong, my dad gave me the best years of my childhood. He was the twinkle in my eyes, the surrender in my deeply satisfying laughs. There was no greater man. There was no greater bliss, it was him… However, he was also my first heartbreak. You see, the day my father left, he gave no warning, no signs, no calls, no letters. It was as if he died. I was too young to understand and my mother didn’t have much of an explanation. I remember hearing her cry, she sat on the edge of her bed, glancing towards the window, in deep sorrow. “I thought he loved me” I repeatedly told myself. I missed him so much that I couldn’t hate him, even if I tried. I wanted to be forgiven for something I hadn’t done. I just wanted his love, again.
A year later he came back into my life. The sun shined again but this emotional trauma never seemed to go away. This has affected me in endless ways. I subconsciously fear that people I care about will walk out of my life. I constantly feel that I need to go above and beyond to be enough. I fear abandonment.
HEALING TAKES EFFORT, COMMITMENT AND COURAGE
I was told by a wise man a few weeks ago that in order to heal our childhood trauma, we must continue revisiting it until we are done crying and feeling the pain it brings us. He reminded me that the emotions we do not allow ourselves to fully experience, stay trapped in our nervous system, which manifests in our everyday lives. Healing our inner child could be the root to many of our daily issues, but how many of us are ready to dive deep and do the work? The journey towards enlightenment is one of self-study and this is only the beginning for me.